The Monday Fossil

I will begin each week by reheating an old nugget from the past that I deem worthy of discussion. I can safely assure you that nothing you read on here will benefit your well-being in any manner whatsoever. Enjoy.

Fossil of the Week: Treasure Trolls

Remember treasure trolls? Of course you do. They made ugly fashionable back in the 80's and 90's. For some reason these ridiculous dolls obtained commodity status. If garbage pail kids were the paper bills, these guys were those vintage silver dollars that your grandpa gave you. But it was never enough to have just 1...or 5...or 50. For some reason it was necessary to own hundreds of them. I remember having some event in first grade called 100 day. The daunting assignment required me to bring in 100 of something. Like a fool, I brought in something like 100 marshmallows. I was probably hoping to squeeze in a round of Chubby Bunny afterward. (The idea of this popular game was to see who could fit the most marshmallows in your mouth without asphyxiating. Genius.) 

Anyway, some clown decided to upstage everyone by bringing in shopping bags full of large, naked, androgynous trolls. That one stuck with me. What a jerk. There is no way I could possibly sleep knowing there is a small army of glossy-eyed mutants staring at me from across the bedroom. (Shiver). I have to hand it to their stylists though. They did have sweet hair. Unless one unfortunately found its way into the washing machine. It then becomes a tangled fro of an enigma that you could spend the rest of your life trying to solve. Kind of like when you got your Sega Genesis controllers all tangled together, only times a trillion.

no thanks 

Am I the only one who was thinking, "Why aren't we euthanizing these trolls and surgically removing their precious stones?" I mean did you see the size of that emerald on his chest? That would have made a lot of money for a kid at that age. With that kind of loot, I would have never had to worry about settling for the Spaghettios without meatballs ever again. I can only hope that one day these miracle monstrosities return to inspire a new generation of nude geology. And a big FU to whoever made the claim that rubbing his gem would make your wishes come true. Jalapeno cheddar flavor blasted Goldfish still do not exist. :(