The Monday Fossil - 90's Board Games

Remember the good ole days when wealth and power were measured by the number on your Super Soaker? You always hated that kid who was wielding the dual plasma rifles set to hollow point water spray, fueled by the 5 gallon backpack full of H2O.

 

Fuck this kid.

Well if water guns were dominating your backyard, it was board games that had a healthy market share of your basement. But not that crap where you plop on your couch and pop in a DVD. The "board games" of today require a lot of thinking, and that really defeats the purpose of them in my mind. Sure it's fun to recall how Arnold Schwarzenegger only had like 5 lines of dialogue in the original Terminator. But you know what's way more fun? 

Racing the clock to avoid a large, plastic, mechanical shark.

Or torturing playdoh made grapes.

The Squish'Em, Squash'Em, Squoosh'Em Game!!!!

Or picking the Sorry card when your opponent is one space from the mother ship. You weren't sorry. You were NEVER sorry. They need to rename that game Miserable. It took like 5 hours for someone to win. Life was so much easier when tough decision making was solved with the role of a dice. "Finally I rolled doubles! I can get out of this filthy jail cell." "Thank god I rolled an even number, I just missed being pummeled by that massive plastic cage from the sky."

That's not to say there were not disappointments.

Someone got me Mouse Trap one time. Sure the Rube Goldberg contraption was fun, but does anyone have any idea how the game is played. What the hell were those cheese slices for? 

Does anyone remember Domino Rally? The commercials depicted these jubilant children orchestrating this massive scene of events.

Apparently you were supposed to play in a black hole.

Dominoes falling perfectly, branching off to cause car crashes, huge motorcycle jumps, or even rocket launches. Sounds like a nice little saturday night? Yeah well the commercial failed to show that the game gives a new definition to the phrase, "Some assembly required." The worst was that after the 30+ hours of finger shredding construction, if you made one mistake, it's over. I remember having the first minute or so going perfectly according to plan. Smiles lit across our faces as the hard work was being rewarded by this evil knievel-esque display. But suddenly one domino went arye and cancelled the finale spectacle of the rocket launch. Those smiles quickly faded to anger as we came to the realization that Milton Bradley had betrayed us. I wont get into specifics, but lets just say that I was like a young Michael Bay directing that destruction.

The best board game commercial by far was the original Crossfire spot. I will post it once I figure out how to embed videos. It features all the essentials from 80's hair metal vocals to the losing kids spinning off into strange unknown galaxies. Unfortunately the game was a piece of crap.

"I Eat Pieces of Shit Like You For Breakfast!"

Let me begin by apologizing for any abnormal anger that shows in my writing. Last night was a rough one to say the least. If you know me, than you know exactly what I am talking about. I recently woke up on a small couch that I don't believe

 I have ever even sat on. It was exactly like Lost when Jack wakes up on the island. For that brief moment, I had no recollection of where I was or how I got there. Thankfully a polar bear didn't eat me.

That being said, I made an interesting observation the other day that I feel compelled to share with the world. (or the three people that will read this). As I was waiting for Lost to begin, I was blessed with the opportunity to watch 15 minutes of American Idol. Disclaimer: Please don't confuse me with one of the freaks that actually follows this show. Anyway, I became particularly fascinated with the contestant known as Scott. It's not his dreamy vocals or his magestic ability to stroke the keys. Or even the fact that he is doing it will without the use of his eyes. 

It's that he looks exactly like SHOOTER MACGAVIN!

BANG BANG

How awesome is that? There are a lot of great movie villians out there, but how many of them are avid golfers? How many of them eat pieces of shit for breakfast? Probably no more than 10-20. But seriously! Look at those eyes. The chiseled eyebrows. The stupid grin. The aura of anger that surrounds their every facial feature. I love it. I wish this kid the best of luck in this worthless competition. Not enough to physically vote for him. But I mean well. I'm voting for him on the inside. So if his dream is to follow in the footsteps of superstars like Taylor Hicks, Ruben Studdard, and Clay Aiken, I say shoot away. And even if he doesn't win, at least he knows he has the opportunity for a successful film career. Look at that chump Justin Guarini from season 1. He went on to star in the hugely successful film From Justin to Kelly! That gem is currently sitting pretty at number 30 on IMDB's worst movies of all time. I would consider rewatching Troll 2 before punishing my self with this.

9% on Rotten Tomatoes!

If you happen to run into Scott, make sure he knows who is real father is. Just don't pull a Seacrest by trying to give him a high five. I'll stop ranting now. My brain is not exactly functioning at full capacity. Stay tuned for my thoughts on the fast and the furious franchise.

My thoughts exactly.

What You Should Be Drinking

As you read this hung over from the cosmos you consumed last night, I encourage you to think about the mistake you've made. By following my simple recommendations, you can live the lifestyle of your wildest fantasies. 

Speaking of wild fantasies, I have been a die hard Bond fan my entire life. I remember going to see the debut of Brosnon in Goldeneye with my dad in '95 like it was yesterday. The best part of the holidays for me was curling up on the sofa every night and enjoying the 15 days of 007 on TBS. I promise to dive down to the deep end of this obsession at a later date, but as the title dictates, your looking for a thirst quencher.

Seeing as the newest Bond film Quantum of Solace debuted today on DVD, it's only fitting for you to be drinking like a British Spy. So destroy every coffee mug in sight and empty the rest of the milk into the cat's bowl. It's time to mature your palette.

The Vesper

3 oz Gordon's gin

1 oz vodka

1/2 oz Lillet wine

It's time for you to drink like the successful creative director you desire to be. Simply drop these bad boys into your mixer and shake (obviously) until ice cold. Strain into your best cocktail glass and drop in a large thin slice of lemon peel.  But please cease the lil wayne your currently listening to and tune into your local smooth jazz station. You don't want to draw attention from yourself or your beverage. And there is no better soundtrack to life than a smooth jazz number. But you need to play the part on your end. There is a grand tradition of awesomeness behind this beverage, and it would be a travesty to tarnish the legacy. So squeeze into your newest Tom Ford suit or just pretend like you even know what I'm talking about. It's a complex lifestyle, and it's completely natural for you to be confused. Try to visualize the Complex level from Goldeneye. You know there is a shield in that yellow corridor, just like I know there is a part of you that wants to drink something vintage. Find your quantum tonight by drinking like a true gentleman. It sure beats stirring up even more controversy. Because if your like me, you're much more accustomed to shaking up the drama.

The Monday Fossil

I will begin each week by reheating an old nugget from the past that I deem worthy of discussion. I can safely assure you that nothing you read on here will benefit your well-being in any manner whatsoever. Enjoy.

Fossil of the Week: Treasure Trolls

Remember treasure trolls? Of course you do. They made ugly fashionable back in the 80's and 90's. For some reason these ridiculous dolls obtained commodity status. If garbage pail kids were the paper bills, these guys were those vintage silver dollars that your grandpa gave you. But it was never enough to have just 1...or 5...or 50. For some reason it was necessary to own hundreds of them. I remember having some event in first grade called 100 day. The daunting assignment required me to bring in 100 of something. Like a fool, I brought in something like 100 marshmallows. I was probably hoping to squeeze in a round of Chubby Bunny afterward. (The idea of this popular game was to see who could fit the most marshmallows in your mouth without asphyxiating. Genius.) 

Anyway, some clown decided to upstage everyone by bringing in shopping bags full of large, naked, androgynous trolls. That one stuck with me. What a jerk. There is no way I could possibly sleep knowing there is a small army of glossy-eyed mutants staring at me from across the bedroom. (Shiver). I have to hand it to their stylists though. They did have sweet hair. Unless one unfortunately found its way into the washing machine. It then becomes a tangled fro of an enigma that you could spend the rest of your life trying to solve. Kind of like when you got your Sega Genesis controllers all tangled together, only times a trillion.

no thanks 

Am I the only one who was thinking, "Why aren't we euthanizing these trolls and surgically removing their precious stones?" I mean did you see the size of that emerald on his chest? That would have made a lot of money for a kid at that age. With that kind of loot, I would have never had to worry about settling for the Spaghettios without meatballs ever again. I can only hope that one day these miracle monstrosities return to inspire a new generation of nude geology. And a big FU to whoever made the claim that rubbing his gem would make your wishes come true. Jalapeno cheddar flavor blasted Goldfish still do not exist. :(

Welcome!

Namaste and welcome to my little slice of internet. I'm a long time lurker but a first time blogger. I'm still in beta at the moment, so cut me some slack while I figure this thing out. Some of the features to look forward to will be: The Monday Fossil, The Inspirational Movie Moment of the Week, TV show reviews, What You Should be Drinking, and maybe a little advertising commentary. Don't really want to pigeon-hole myself too much.

That's all for now. I've got a fine cigar and a sifter of cognac waiting patiently for me downstairs. Tune in tomorrow for the Monday Fossil.